Kiwi's Launch Challenge for Parko's World Title.

There are no Kiwi surfers on the World Tour. Which is strange when you think about it. Australia has 11 (12 if you count Glen Hall) surfers on tour as well as the current ASP World Champion, Parko. So what's the difference? Maybe its the set up. Maybe its the waves. Or the wind. Or the fact that everyone in New Zealand is too busy playing Rugby, rearing sheep and appearing in J.R.R. Tolkien films to have time to surf. Or maybe its because in New Zealand when they do manage to tear themselves away from the quest for the One Ring and head out in to the brine they spend their time doing stuff like this...

   

Now. There's nothing wrong with training animals to surf. And thanks to the ever resourceful Kiwi's I can now add pig to the list of other surfing animals that plague the net: Dog, Hamster, Shane Dorian I've seen them all. But it 'aint going to challenge your World Title is it Joel?...

Exactly.

But there is a monopoly that exists with all but 6 ASP Tour surfers coming from either Hawaii (which the surfing world seems to think has gained independence from the rest of the USA) , Oz (no surprises there), USA or Brazil.

In fact out of the top 38 surfers in the world only 9 countries are represented, with only 2 surfers from Europe, 3 if you count Glen Hall. It's a monopoly that needs to be broken, and fast, for the sake of the sport and its worldwide appeal. There is often a protectionist nature that dwells within us surfers. An instinct to keep surfing just for ourselves; with secret spots, surf slang and cliquey localism as just a couple of examples. 

Its a delicate balance. Packed line-ups in Hawaii, Bali and California cause bust ups and bad feeling, however, how many of us in Britain can really claim we've been in a properly packed line up? The popularity of surfing is only going one way so we may as well embrace it and try to capitalise on what that popularity can bring. If we don't it'll only get more popular anyway, just without any of the benefits.

So come on Kiwi's, Brit's, The World. Surfing is big time. Get some money behind it and let's get out there and do what Brits, Kiwi's and almost everyone in the world like doing best... Beating Australian's. Or maybe training different animals to surf... Either/Or really.  

Could there possibly be a better incentive than that? 

@antnewsom89

Cockney Surfing Slang

An edited version of this article appeared in Carve 140:

The number of surfers in London has exploded. What used to be a past time for the hardy or clinically insane that could bear to be in the sea with a homemade wetsuit or a woolly jumper is now a nationwide phenomenon. To realise just how popular surfing has become all you need to do is talk to anyone who has been on a gap yah and around an hour or so in to their travelling monologue (if you haven’t already bludgeoned yourself to death with the nearest blunt instrument) they will tell you how they stayed at a surf camp in Indonesia/Australia/Peru/Wherever. And although they were miles from anywhere they really found themselves after being at one with the waves and nature (put the hole punch down!). Then they spent the evening in a hammock overlooking the ocean, watching the waves come in, listening to Jack Johnson having, as one mate put it: a real sunset moment before proceeding to get wankered on goon and trying to have sex with/in/on/around anything that moved (not that I’m jealous or anything).

Put some Jack Johnson on and lets go find ourfuckingselves.

I’m not bashing surf camps, on the contrary I love them and travelling come to that, which, as the old cliché says broadens the mind. I mean in the last month alone I’ve been to both Bournemouth and Sheffield and it’s changed my outlook forever. I'm probably just jealous. I don’t get many opportunities to surf living in the big smoke. And I suppose people surfing on their gap yah aren’t all that bad, it’s not like I'm any better. I didn’t grow up with the brine in my blood and sand at my feet (I didn't have a gap year though...I'm not a complete twat), I grew up in and around London learning to surf on years and years of forced family holidays to gurt lush Devon. Basically I'm like the Man United fans that live in the Home Counties but moan about Citeh and Chelsea ruining football and their fans being glory hunters.

It can be lonely sometimes though being a surfer in London. It’s hard when you can’t talk openly about something you are so passionate about without boring everyone to tears. You end up getting easily annoyed with the hundreds people you meet who when they find out that you surf tell me that they surf too, before crushing your hopes of finally finding a kindred soul in big, bad London when they regale you with tales of their all 2 days in Surfer’s Paradise trying to stand up on a foamy seven years ago. But recently things have changed. I have been finding new sorts of surfers in London, the sorts of people that hare around the country every weekend looking for waves, strategically plan sick days to coincide with big swells or open pop-up surf shops in Soho. Fellow addicts. And going away with this new bunch of urbane surfers’ feels great. We have a clan. An identity. Admitedly everyone thinks we’re weirdoes. But it’s an identity nevertheless. There even seems to be a London Surfing Mafia in some line ups nower days.

More and more of us Londoners are getting in to our massive Chelsea tractors or run down Reliant Robins and trading in boutique wine bars, art galleries and drive-by muggings for cider, pasties and surf; our luscious, lilting, cockney voices will grow ever louder in line-ups up and down the land.  Localism will continue to grow and line-ups become ever tenser. But that’s not how it should be. There are more people in the water but as surfers we have to embrace that even if they are on a gap yahs. And it won’t end there, like it or not the cockney voice will become as much a part of surf culture in the UK as onshore winds and pissing in your wetsuit for warmth. It’s just a small language barrier and it’s about time we all understood each other. Because if we understand each other we can all live and surf together in harmony. You may call me a dreamer. But I’m not the only one. So here, for all you locals, is the beginner’s guide to Cockney Surf Slang:

Chapter 1: The Basics

Pumping Papa today.

Papa Smurf - Surf

You luck bastard. You got in Colin Farrell. It looked amazing.

Colin Farrell – The barrel

What a lout!

Drunken Lout - Wipeout

Here comes big Dave.

My mate Dave - Wave

Do you want to take? 

On the take - Point break

That your massive, wet  flute?

Whistle and Flute - Wetsuit

Typical Pope.

Pope John Paul - Grumpy local

I ended up on a ward.

Hospital Ward - Broken board

Show me behind the bins.

Behind the bins - fins

I had sevens all day today

Seven Deadly Sins - Drop ins

Look at me Big Ben.

Big Ben - Hang ten

Son. Come and shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up - The line-up

Chapter 2: Practical Application

So now you've grasped the basics. Let’s, as your French teacher said, ecoute et répète:

So I was out in the Papa Smurf the other day sitting shutting the fuck up at this nice secret take when my mate big Dave came along. I was just visiting Big Ben when John Paul committed a seven and made me have a barney and drunken lout just as I was about to enter Colin Farrell. I was lucky not to get a hospital ward but his bins cut my flute.

Got that? Excellent. Now you can understand us strange metrosexual Londonites when we are out at your local spot you don't have to drop in on us or shout Gerroff moiee laaannndd!! You can just calmly paddle over and (ecoute et répète time again children) calmly say:

'Oi Mate. Don't be a Jeremy Hunt, you're not on your Jack out here, get out of the sky rocket.' 

See it’s much more polite. We'll get the message, no one has resorted to violence and everyone is much happier. Sorted.

However, if they are called Jacosta or Hugo and are discussing avant guard theatre, hummus and how small daddy’s bonus was this year; just twat them one.

Happy riding.

Ant
@antnewsom89

A City Surf Oasis.

I've been meaning to mention this place on here for a while. It's my little oasis of surf. Just off Regent Street. 

Hollister (them off posh people) have set up a live stream to Huntington Beach, California just so us lucky, special, chosen few can watch slick Californian hipsters cutting it up amongst the best the Pacific has to throw at them. 

After just a few minutes staring at it, you find yourself longing, deeply, for the smell of neoprene and the feel of salt on your skin. You can almost feel yourself: The weight of the board under your arm. Sand beneath your feet. The offshore wind pushing you towards the bright blue ocean. Plunging yourself in to the white water and paddling towards the line up. You can feel that first wave picking you up as you paddle hard to catch it. Just. As you lose yourself watching the screen watching the happy surfers pick up wave after wave, at will, in the American sunshine. Without a care it the world.

The No.23 flies by. 

Splash.

Fuck. 

London again. 

Damn you Hollister.

Same time tomorrow.

This Month's Carve Magazine.

The front of this month's Carve (iss.140). Pretty fucking insane.

The latest issue of Carve (issue 140) hits the shops this week and, apart from the truly epic cover shot and the usual array of awesomeness, there is another reason to sprint, screaming with excitement, naked to the nearest newsagents: Cockney Surfers. Which is definitely the greatest article ever written. The wit, literary skill and visionary insight from the writer surpasses even the greatest works of Dickens, Shakespeare or even... Ok I'll come clean, I wrote it.  

Still it's pretty cool officially being a published writer, darling. Go and grab yourself a copy and immerse yourself in everything surf. I'm off to shove the article in the face of  everyone I know. 

The article itself. Isn't it just the most beautiful thing ever *sob*.

Ant
@antnewsom89

Ke11y 4 P0P3.

Finally in this age of unending austerity, a job has come up. And the ‘Meeja’ (correct pronunciation) have gone mental. Pope Benedict XVI has handed in his notice. Collected his P45. And is off to spend time with... well not his family, but whoever Pope’s want to spend their time with. A new puppy maybe - see I didn't say Choirboys like you expected.

The big news isn't just that for once there is finally one job vacancy on the European continent. But, more worryingly, that the world’s direct hotline to the almighty is currently unattended. Much speculation will now ensue about who will succeed Old Benny in putting on a lovely frock and becoming head of the world’s smallest, and most crime ridden (fact), state.

But who can fill the cassock? Who apart from every theology graduate, ex-miner and reality TV contestant in the land, have applied? Well the world’s press is quite literally wetting themselves, trying to answer just those questions: camping outside the houses of anyone who has been within 50 yards of a church within the last 6 months. At the moment the front-runners according to the so called ‘bookies’ (as the blood sucking bastards are affectionately known) are:

Cardinal Wolsey (deceased) - 16/4

Cardinal Sins - 100/1

Colonel Sanders (also deceased) - 7/5

Dawn French - 1/-1 (fav)

Charlotte Church - 0.1/8

Joey Essex- 4/1

Stephen Fry - 101/97

Brian Cox - 6.626068 × 10-34 m² kg^s/1

Although Stephen Fry is expected to be ruled out, after it emerged that God has refused to speak to Stephen ever since a rather ugly incident during the preliminary rounds of the 1978 World Student Chess Championships in Cambridge, concerning a wandering bishop.

Personally, I’m amazed that one name hasn't come to the fore. Who I hear you think? Ke11y Fucking Slater. That’s who.  Although I might have to get him to modify that middle name a little if he is to be taken seriously during the Papal Conclave. Apart from that there is no one in the world better suited to the role:

Reason #1 (by the way yooof that # means number not hashtag) He can walk on fucking water! Yes he can. You and I may call it ‘surfing’. But the way that man does it, it’s holy.

Reason #2 He’s not adverse to the odd miracle. The comeback at Bells last year was the latest in a career of the miraculous, healing the sick and turning water into world titles.

Reason #3 With all those trophies, he could handle the Papal bling.

Reason #4 If Ke11y was Pope then the Sistine Chapel would become a Kelly Slater Wave Pool. And that would be awesome.

So, when you are casting your ballot Ant say’s - ‘Vote Ke11y for P0P3’.

                  

@antnewsom89

My Second Attempt at Being Funny.

Although this isn't really about being a London surfer,  it did take place on a water and it happened in London, so it is pretty darn close. And I thought it was worth a share: 

On Sunday night I took part in a charity comedy night to raise money for Help a Capital Child. Over 100 people turned up to Tamesis Dock to watch us all perform and we raised just over £400. Here is the audio from my set:

Thanks to everyone who came along to support the evening.

Normal service will resume shortly.

Ant
@antnewsom89

Confessions and Resolutions.

So predictably enough (unless you are Mayan) London2012 has been followed, rather disappointingly by the unimaginatively name year of 2013. And as its January and all the Christmas and New Year fun has buggered off to be replaced by the tantalizing hoard of diet books, gym memberships and abstinence so I figured, fuck it. I may as well join in with all the New Year, New Me bollocks. As they say If you can't beat them. Get a bigger stick. And as part of being this new me I feel I must start with a confession.

I have been surfing for 11 years. 11 Years. And In all that time I have never... I have never.... you know. Entered the greenroom. Taken the tube. Sat in the pocket. Or as The Chief so eloquently put it "felt the embrace of mother natures womb and been spat out by her salty vagina".

I've never been barreled. Ok? Happy?! You're probably thinking there must be something wrong with him? Well maybe I'm just waiting for the right wave to come along. At least I'm not a wave slut.

The opportunity hasn't come up yet. Although I have been surfing so long its mostly been on summer holidays to Devon, Wales, Cornwall etc. and big barreling waves are not exactly a regular occurrence . Only in the last 5 years have I started going out for autumn and spring sessions and more recently winter. Even so it just hasn't happened yet. Not that I have to explain myself. Its perfectly normal. right? RIGHT?!

2013 also seems like the right time to throw off the shackles of the oppressive wetsuit and head for board short country. Last year it was pasty's, cider and neoprene. This year adventure is in air. In the atmosphere. Somewhere new. Somewhere exciting. Not Bali basically. Not that I've got anything against Bali. Some of my best friends... hang on, that doesn't work. I'd love to go someday but everyone goes to Bali or to the far east: Bali, Thailand, Vietnam, Australia, New Zealand.. Its a path as old as the Gap Yah itself. That leaves the question though. Where to go? As yet I'm unsure. But deciding where to go should make January far more entertaining than usual.

If I'm going to travel seeking adventure like all the thousands of people before me. I want to discover as well. And not in the 'Oh yah I really found myself when travelling around Thailand' bollocks. I mean like Cook. Amundsen. Livingstone. That guy from the Gap Yah video. Wouldn't it be great to do the same? But surely I hear you cry (yes I am watching you as you read this) everything has been discovered already. Everything is on Google isn't it?

Maybe it is still possible. There are great swathes of coastline that surfers haven't explored yete even in Britain. New breaks are always being found, there was one discovered in the last issue of Carve. So it is possible. There are virgin waves out there waiting to be discovered. Someone has to be the first. Why not me? The only question left is what to call it...

If it's a break that is inconsistent and rarely works then Central Line seems like a good name. Or if its polluted and dangerous then Croydon would work. If the area is slimy and filled with hot air then Westminster it is surely (ooh S-Nap). Although no matter what it's characteristics are 'Newsom Point' has a certain ring to it don't you think?

I think that's enough to be getting on with this year. I'm off to the pub... I mean gym!

1. Get Barreled
2. Go on a tropical surfari
3. Discover new lands (or a surf spot - whichever is easiest)

Ant
@antnewsom89

Let me know what you'd call a surf break if you discovered it. Answers on the back of a postcard (or more practically in the comments box below). Best one wins my undying love and respect.